I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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