Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
