Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
the room spins SO much faster in panama
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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