my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
