his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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