I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
