If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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