I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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