A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
