I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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