Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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