I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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