we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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