Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
