as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
