Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
