you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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