i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
