i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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