You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
