i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize