youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
