how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
