Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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