Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
