I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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