I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
