I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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