Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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