I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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