I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
