you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
