I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize