but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
