I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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