Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
