I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She's not a foreskin expert like you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
