He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
