the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
