your parents love me but you hate me
im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hippo gnu deer
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
