things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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