we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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