I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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