I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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