Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
