My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
