Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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