theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
