I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
