did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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