im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
