My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize