When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
