New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I lost the right to judge tonight
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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