I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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