i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
