Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
