Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
