Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
