After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
