i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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